The self-driven child - Chapter 3: It's your call

I trust you to make a good decision, and this will ultimately be your call, but I want to be sure you make the best decision possible, so I'd like you to think through the pros and cons of either option. I also want you to talk to people who have more experience and to get their feedback. Finally, I think it's important that we talk together about a possible plan B if your decision doesn't go the way you want. 

Let them get stuck every once in a while, while you are available to help her get out of the ditch, can actually help them grow

Sometimes when the child's preference doesn't align with yours, ask why do you want her to do the way you want? Is it for her or is it for you?

Signs of children who are ready to make decisions

• the child has to be willing to listen and to think the options through. If children will not consider the relevant information, we don't support letting them make the decision.
• not depressed, no drug or alcohol abuse. she can be trusted that she wants her life to work out.

Reasons

• Science: we give the opportunities to our children's brain to learn to make hard choices and protect itself from the stress of feeling helpless
• giving kids a sense of control is the only way to teach them competency in decision making. Wisdom comes from experience and experience comes from bad decisions
• you as parents don't always know what's best
• kids are capable. research has found by 14, kids generally have adult level ability to make rational decisions and 9 years old are capable decision-makers too. 
• Giving kids more choice when you can makes it easier for them to accept authority when they need to
• good decision making requires EQ, and kids need to learn what matters to them. We want kids to pay attention to their emotions. How children feel about things and what they want are important components in their decision-making process as important as the hard facts. We want kids to practice tuning in to their own emotions, and asking "what's right for me?"
• most important is that by conveying to children you trust them to make their own decisions, you open yourself up being a resource and sounding board. children will turn to you when they need help!

Preschooler

• give them choices to choose clothes.
• give them calendars. spend time going over the schedule for the day, giving them choices in that schedule wherever possible. have them cross off days of the week. 

language:

• express compassion and understanding
• go through pros and cons of each option with them
• if they choose an option that you wouldn't want them to be, help them to think about the cons and come up with a plan B
• when they fail on their choice, dont say "I told you"
• Have a talk in which you point out that your kid has got a good mind. Make a list together of the things he's decided for himself that have worked well

Negotiating is a great thing for kids to know how to do. you want her to learn to advocate for herself and practice those skills. 

• To improve your legitimacy, you have to show your child that she is being heard. Give her some credit for making good arguments, by sometimes changing your position so that she knows that a well-thought-out argument is in fact a worthwhile pursuit. 
• However, when time is too tight for negotiation, express your own feelings: you know, I love what a great negotiator you are. Some people get paid a lot to do what you do naturally. But sometimes it's exhausting for me, and it's especially hard when we are crunched for time or when there's a lot going on. I'd be grateful if when I need you to, you could go with the flow, without the need for a discussion. If you can do that, it will help the morning run more smoothly and I will acknowledge that you've really helped out."