The self-driven child - Chapter 10: Exercising the brain and body

This chapter lays out some strategies for success:

• planning ahead and visualizing goals
• talking back to negative thoughts
• thinking of what you will do if what you want doesn't come through

Exercise 1: Set clear goals:

• when kids are young, use a picture of their goal they refer to. e.g. organized toys, ready for school
• When kids are a bit older, use mental contrasting
• step 1: set her own goal which is feasible and challenging
• step 2: write several words about the hoped-for outcome
• step 3: write down inner obstacles to that goal. consider how they will be affected and what they can do when the obstacles surface. 
• step 4: imagine themselves tackling these obstacles or at least enduring them. what self-talk will they use? what's their plan for coping when they face an obstacle? The knowledge that they have anticipated potential setbacks and allowed for contingencies will help them cope more effectively
• have a family meeting in which you share your written goals. Ask your kids for their thoughts on your goals. Validate their suggestions. 

example: social anxiety: practice what she would do or say in social situations that made her uncomfortable. Did it over and over again. even though she rarely used the lines she practiced, knowing that she knew what to say made her less anxious.

• setting personal best goals: split the goal into small steps, each small step is feasible and a little bit challenging. seeing yourself get better and better at something is enormously rewarding.
• Encourage your child to set their own goals and to visualize achieving them. language: "what would you like to do or accomplish for the next month?" Help them make SMART goals

Exercise 2: Educate kids about brain science and ask them to Pay attention to what your brain is telling you

Educate kids about brain science, about where emotion comes from, about how the amygdala and prefrontal cortex work. When kids understand why they behave in certain ways, it increases their sense of confidence that there will be a place for them in the world as adults. for example, a kid who easily loses it or gets anxious learns that he behaves this way because his amygdala is more sensitive to stress. When kids know why they behave in certain ways, they will more accept themselves, and think about ways to help themselves.

Exercise 3: Practice reframing problems (cognitive therapy)

• reframing involves looking at our own thoughts with care and actively redirecting them
• Explain to kids that many body sensations are caused by thoughts. Help them connect the two, and pay attention to signs from their body that they are getting nervous, sad or mad.
• Teach kids to start "hearing" their thoughts and to distinguish between rational and irrational thoughts.
• Teach kids to talk to yourself with compassion. When your thoughts are negative about yourself, reframe it. eg. when kids make a mistake, they should learn not to take it personally. Try to find the explanation that's not threatening to your child's identity, she can look at the mistake, learn from it, and move on, instead of seeing herself as "stupid" or "inadequate".
• One of the most common mental habits that make us feel out of control is catastrophizing. 
• language: "have you noticed how sometimes we talk to ourselves in ways we wouldn't speak to others?", "that's one way of seeing it. I see things differently. I'd be happy to share my view with you if you want to hear it". 
• Share your own story of reframing your thought process. model positive self-talking and self-compassion. 

Exercise 4: Practice Plan B thinking

• Plan B thinking helps you put things into perspective. By envisioning alternative futures and creating backup plans, kids learn that if plan A doesn't work, the world won't come to an end. Over time, practicing plan B thinking will give you confidence that you can handle stress and setbacks.
• Make plan B thinking a family practice

Exercise 5: Move your body/play

• Why exercise is important:
• The part of the brain that tells the body to move is adjacent to the part of the brain that is responsible for clearheaded thinking. There is a close overlap between our motor control functions and our mental control, or executive functions, which is one reason why exercise is so beneficial for developing self-regulation.
• Exercise increases levels of dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine, which provides stability, focus, mental alertness, and calmness.
• Exercise stimulates the production of the protein BDNF, which is a fertilizer of the brain. It's important for the growth of the brain and for helping cells wire together. 
• In short, exercise does more to help clear thinking than thinking does, in part because it stimulates and strengthens the prefrontal cortex's control function.
• Aerobic exercise confers greater brain benefits than anaerobic. A good level of intensity is that you should be able to talk but not sing.
• dance, yoga, martial arts, horseback riding, fencing, drumming, and rock climbing are a category of exercise in which you are using your mental and motor skills to develop your executive functions
• The cerebellum affects thinking and executive functions. It is one of the least heritable brain structures, which means that experience is key to how well it functions. Play is how children strengthen their cerebellum and learn to master their worlds.  there's a sensitive period to develop it. 
• for the good of the cerebellum
• resist the urge to have your kid do something useful
• resist the worry that tells you he shouldn't be out of your line of sight for more than a minute
• resist the inclination to sign him up for more organized activities where he will be told what to do
• let him be. let him play. 
• make physical fitness a family value. Don't force them to play a sport, but help them to decide what they would like to do.