The heart of parenting 2: The five key steps for emotion coaching

Step 1: Being aware of Children's emotions --- Empathy is the foundation

to learn to be aware of your own emotions.
put yourself in your children's shoes -- empathy. However, children often express their emotions indirectly or in a way that adults find puzzling.

Whenever we find our children getting angry, or upset over an issue that seems inconsequential, it may help to step back and look at the big picture of whats going on in their lives.
clues to feelings of children often revealed in fantasy play
hints of children's emotional distress may also show up in behaviors such as overeating, loss of appetite, nightmares and complaints of headaches or stomachaches.

Step 2: Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching

a child needs his parents most when he is sad, angry or afraid. The ability to help soothe an upset child can be what makes us "feel most like parents". We are helping them learn skills for soothing themselves, skills that will serve them well for a lifetime.
by thinking this way, we can look at our children's anger as something other than a challenge to our authority etc....

Step 3: listening empathetically and validating the child's feelings

when the child is expressing her feelings, it doesn't really help to apply logic. It's better to just listen and validate their feelings
don't rush to give advice. just listening and validating the children's feelings instead. as kids feel they are understood, they are more willing to accept your advice. empathizing, taking her time and letting kids come to their own conclusions.
Don't keep interrogate like "why do you feel sad?". Maybe the kid doesn't know why herself. Interrogation can just make a child clam up. It's better to simply reflect what you notice. "you seem a little tired today" or "I noticed that you frowned when I mentioned the recital" and wait for her response
Sharing examples from your own life can also be an effective way to demonstrate your understanding.
languages to validate children's feelings: "you wish your grandpa sent you a gift too" "you don't want to go to school? it makes me wonder if something bothers you" "I can tell that you feel a little tense" "oh that must have hurt your feelings" "oh i'd feel terrible if my friends did that to me" "I am sorry that happened to you. I can see you feel very sad and angry about the way they were treating you"...
language to give advice "do you want me to help you come up with some ideas of what you could do?"

step 4: help the child verbally label emotions

research shows that the act of labeling emotions can have a soothing effect on the nervous system, helping children to recover more quickly from upsetting incidents.

Step 5: Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve

this step is after you spend time listening to your child and help her to label and understand her emotions.
it's a step of problem-solving after your kid calms down.

help your children to understand that their feelings are not the problem, their behavior is
when setting limits on inappropriate behavior, parents should let the child know what consequences he can expect for breaking or following rules.

Consequences for good behavior can be positive attention, praise, privileges or rewards
Consequences for misbehavior might be a denial of attention, loss of privileges, or the absence of rewards

to identify a goal around the problem solving, ask your child what he would like to accomplish related to the problem at hand
work with your child to come up with options for solving the problem. it's important to refrain from taking over. if you really want your child to own the outcome, you should encourage her to generate her own ideas. most kids under 10 are not great abstract thinkers. you may have to try one solution after another and then ask the child to decide, after the fact, which solution worked the best.
help your child choose a solution. it's a good time to offer your opinions and guidance. You can tell your child how you handled similar problems when you were young.
once your child chooses a solution, help her come up with a concrete plan for following through.
When a child chooses a solution to a problem that doesn't work out, help them analyze why it's failing.

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