the heart of parenting: Marriage, Divorce

The impact of marriage problems on children

• poor role model to teach them how to listen empathetically and solve problems cooperatively
• parental conflict can affect the development of an infant's autonomic nervous system, which determines a child's ability to cope
• whether a care-taker is calm and engaging or anxious and depressed may make a difference in a baby's long-term ability to respond to stimuli, to calm herself and recover from stress
• Children need to regulate their emotions in order to focus attention, to concentrate and learn, to read other people's body language, facial expressions, and social cues.
• many of them are especially vulnerable to influences outside the family, such as from boyfriends or girlfriends, other peers, adult authority figures, and the media. 
• It's the intense hostility and bad communication that develops between unhappily married couples that have deleterious effects on children

Completely Avoiding conflicts in front of children?

• children may benefit from witnessing certain kinds of family conflict, particularly when their parents disagree in a respectful way and when it's clear that the parents are working constructively toward a resolution. If children never see the adults in their lives get angry with one another, they are missing crucial lessons that can contribute to EI

Practice Emotion coaching in your marriage

• Happily-married couples are more likely to emphasize the value of companionship
• they are more likely to express the belief that couples need to discuss their negative feelings, get problems out in the open. 

Avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse

• Criticism vs complaints. Complaints aim at a specific behavior, while criticism attacks a person's character. example:
• Complaint: When you spend so much on clothes, I worry about our finances
• Criticism: How could you spend so much on clothes? You act so vain and selfish
• Criticism is judgemental and in global terms like "never/always"
• Criticism is often an expression of pent-up frustration and unresolved anger. The critic strings together a whole batch of unrelated complaints. 
• How to avoid this harmful type of criticism:  address conflicts and problems as they arise. Don't want till you are so angry or hurt that you cannot take it anymore. the complaint about specific actions instead of personality. Not use "you should have...", "you always..." "you never..."
• Husbands are often lack of response to wive's anger. Husbands can see their wives' anger as a resource for improving marriage. The secret is for husbands to accept and respond to their wives' anger before it escalates to criticism
• Contempt: 
• intends to insult or psychologically wound that person. Often comes from feeling disgusted or fed up with the other. 
• solution: 
• try to let go of winning the argument
• be mindful of what is about to come out of your mouth. replace your thoughts with "this is a bad moment, but things aren't always like this" "I may feel upset, angry, my partner has good qualities worth remembering"
• spend time with your memories. look at old photos together. 
• Defensiveness:
• solution: listen to your partner's words not as an attack but as useful information. you can say something "I never realized you felt so strongly about this. Let's talk about it some more; 
• Stonewalling

What you should do during a marriage conflict:

• if you sense that your child is trying to be a mediator between you and your spouse, take it as a sign that the level of conflict in your home is much too high.
• You can acknowledge that it's upsetting to hear Mom and Dad arguing, but that sometimes it's necessary for parents to disagree in order to work through problems. 
• Let the child know that she is not the source of problems between you and your spouse. 
• Don't ask them to serve as a go-between regarding issues of conflict. 
• Children shouldn't be asked by one parent to withhold sensitive information from the other. Such practices serve as a model for deception in family relationships and only prove to your child that you and the other family members cannot be trusted.
• Let children know when conflicts are solved. by sincerely apologizing to the other, by a bug 
• Establish networks of emotional support for your children. other Responsible adults, can turn or good access to constructive outlets such as sports, academic activities or the arts. When kids don't have these resources, they often fall prey to bad influences
• It's important to pay more attention to your child's friends and activities during periods of family problems. Talk to your child's teachers and counselors to let them know that your family is experiencing some stress. Tell them you would appreciate their support and a watchful eye over your child.
• Visit often with other families, perhaps within your own extended family, so that your children can experience a sense of belonging and emotional support
• Emotion coaching with children