The heart of Parenting -- Strategies II

Empower your child by giving choices, respecting wishes

• In addition to a sense of responsibility, giving children choices helps them to build self-esteem. A child whose parents constantly limit choice gets the message. "You are not only small, but your desires also don't matter very much". If this works, she may grow to be obedient and cooperative, but she will have very little sense of herself.
• When a child's wishes and preferences are habitually ignored. Many grow up without a strong sense of their own likes and dislikes. Some never learn how to makes choices at all. The earlier a child learns to express preferences and make wise choices, the better. 
• Children's preferences help them form their identities. When their wishes are granted, children get the message: "what I want matters after all, how I feel makes a difference" "I am the kind of child who doesn't like foods mixing on my plate. I have the power to make this food yummy". "I'm the kind of kid who likes hard challenges on the monkey bars". "I'm the kind of person who enjoys math"
• When your child makes a small request --- no matter how silly or trivial it may seem to you at the time, try not to perceive it as a battle of wills. Instead, ask yourself whether it's really such a big deal that you cannot honor it. The results may benefit your child, who uses such interactions to develop a sense of self.
• Children need practice weighing their options, finding solutions. Such lessons are sometimes painful, but with emotion coaching, they can also be powerful opportunities for parents to offer guidance. 

Share in your child's dreams and fantasies

• for example, if your child wants LED shoes, and you don't wan t buy now for some reasons. you can say "I can understand why you'd like a xxx. You think it's beautiful, don't you?". you can still make the point that you're not going to spend money on the bike, but you might also start brainstorming ways for her to earn his own money to buy it

Read children's literature together

• even when children can read by themselves. continue reading with your children into the term years, taking turns at reading increasingly sophisticated books. 

Be patient with the process

• your child may take a while to cry or still mad. It may be uncomfortable for you to spend time with your child in this state. It may easier in the short run to dismiss your child's negativity, ignore it, and hope it will take care of itself. In the short you get less trouble, but more trouble in the long run when your child has become emotionally distant. 

• It is impossible to accept and validate a child's emotion at the same time you wish it would just go away. 
• Sometimes a child may say she's not ready to talk about an issue and that should be respected, for the most part. Try to make a date to talk with her about the matter soon.
• Once you dedicate yourself to being present with your child's emotions, you will find opportunities to connect with her in meaningful ways on a day-to-day basis. 

坚持穿裙子，还要一转就能飞起来的裙子。

• 我的选择不值得被重视吗？ 当她的要求长期不断被否定和忽视后， 
• 孩子会习惯于被忽视， 在她心里她的选择和要求都不受人重视，那么她心中自我的价值就会很低。这样的结果是，也许她会很听话很乖，可是当别人对她不尊重，不重视，对她提出不合理的要求时，她也会忍受和接受， 成为了我们经常说的“包子”。 
• 孩子可能会成为一个对自己不了解的人， 对自己喜欢什么，不喜欢什么界限不清楚， 对什么事都无所谓。孩子对自己的认识最初来自父母和周围的人对她的肯定。 当她的愿望一直被忽视和否定后， 她也不知道自己该想要什么， 喜欢什么了。

三岁的时候一定每天都要穿能转起来的裙子 ---》把粉色，紫色，红色往身上招呼，要把自己穿成一条五颜六色的彩虹。 坚决不肯对我给她买的黑白灰颜色的衣服 --》要穿带亮片的衣服，闪闪发光的鞋。每天要带项链，戒指，手镯上学。

四岁的孩子会说

• 我就喜欢粉色，不喜欢灰色
• 
  

自己选择穿的五颜六色，花花绿绿没有美感

大冬天非要光腿穿裙子

每天要穿公主装

吃饺子非要把皮和馅分开吃

要求你陪她玩一些在你看来很无聊的游戏， 比如学她做各种动作